|
03:54 am
[Link] | did a count the other day and she had 414 and i have an other 100 at my place chilling.
x-mass really slowed me down on the count. thing is i can only make about 300 befor my eys start to cross and the idea of making an other crain makes me want to brake things. though now that i am thinking about her while i make them more actively it is kinda ezer.
Tags: of the 1000
|
|
07:54 pm
[Link] | 200 made and going to give the ones i have been saving to her tonight.
Tags: of the 1000
|
|
01:12 pm
[Link] |
8)
78 given 133 made
and there is a new tooth brush in the holder in my bathroom.
Tags: of the 1000
|
|
12:19 am
[Link] | I am falling hard. 77 of 1000 given 100 of 1000 made. if you don't know ask. if i think you need to or should know i will tell you (and people don't feel hurt if you don't know). if you know rejoice.
Current Mood: falling and a little drunk
Tags: of the 1000
|
|
03:47 pm
[Link] |
pain
pain
the hurt the hurt is less mut still so there. it is still hard to breath. hard to think.
I do and don't know why i am in pain. I didn't do anything wronge. i didn't change her i didn't make her do anything. she just changed, changed so that she didn't want me any more. there was nothing that i could do. why than does it hurt so very much. i was powerless to stop it. all i can do now is is learn to ive with it. she says that she didn't like the person that she was when she was around me. I changed too. I changed to better love her. my thoughts my wanted my eyes my skin all slowly reprogamed to see things in a way to try and make her happy. I have been changed. i like who i was with her. for the most part. she helped me see myself in ways i didn't know were posible. she saw me and yet didn't want me. is that why it hurts. I worked so so sovery hard to open up to her in a way i have never been able to with any one. I left my soul bear for her. I trust her that much. how can you take a rejection form some one you have let in so deep. how acan you trust any one ever that close again. was it me was there something in me that she saw looking so close that she just couldn't stand to be with.
I just haven't stoped loving her. i dreem of her
she coming to my door bringing me some sort of pie so sweet and comforting that just seeing it makes you feal better. then she sat next to me on the bed and we talked and it made me feal better and worse at the same time. she laughs at me and my love of her, like i am some silly child with a crush on a teacher. but having her there t=it was like every thing was going to be ok.
A different dreem an other night. i go to her she is the one that needs help she is the one that is the scared child she needs my arms my strength. she needs me to hold her in the darkenss. I hold her and love her. she is so scared and it is so dark. but i am there for her.
she called me to tell me that her family was not doing so well. her mom kicked her out of the house. did she want me to aske her to come stay with me? did she want to see if her mother didn't love her any more if i still did? I still do. even after all she has done to me. i have hard wired so much of my brain to love her that i don't know how not to yet. that isn't really inportant she doesn't love me any more and that was really all that ever keeped us together. her love of me brought us toghether her love of me made me love her(god that makes em sound selfcentered). How could anyone not love a woman that was hold you so cloase and tell you that she loved you. How could any one not feel love for the woman she is. I would never have really known her is she never loved me. she did and than she didn't. I don't know what that means and i don't know why that was.
these are the things that fill my pain
Current Mood: in pain
Current Music: Hellbent- Kenna
Tags: pain
|
|
07:12 pm
[Link] |
sad
my chest hurts i have a broken heart. the person i love isn't even real. how did i fall in love with someone that wasn't real. maybe she was real once. that must be it. she was real when i fell in love with her, but then somewhere when i was loving her and doing everything i could, she stopped being real. stopped being who i thought she was who she said she was.
I am sorry that she never felt like she didn't have to lie to me. I am sorry i didn't make it clear that i would lover her how ever and who ever she was as long as she wasnted me to. I am sorry if that wasn't enough for her or if it was too much. how are you sopposed to know if it is too much or not enough.
How can i get over some one that isn't real. how can i get over someone that isn't real and has a twin that i can see and hear and smell and remember. I have to stop hating my self for loving someone that doesn't love me. how do you just let your self feel pain. isn't pain the thing we feel to get us to stop something or change some thing.
What do other people think i want? i think it would be cool to hear what some of the options are. you people know me or don't and well it would be nice to hear what you think.
Thanks
Dan
|
|
12:02 am
[Link] |
How to you stop your heart frome being poisoned
I am full of hate. I can feel it in every part of me. I can breath with out hate. but i can feel it poisoning my heart. i can feel the have trying to take over my reason. or maybe this is just a mix of the pain and the hate. all the pain i have been feeling for the last few weeks is there deep in my heart dragging it to the ground making it hard do breath. I know they both hurt me both did something that they knew would hurt me. She is still human because at least she has the good sence to feel bad about it. that is why i don't hate sarah. That and i can't seem to stop my self from loving her. god i am fucked in the head/heaert.
But i have been sidetracked how do i stop my heart from being poisoned by hate. call me e-mail me comment if you have any ideas. how does some one deal with something like this and not go to jail.
|
|
09:00 am
[Link] |
Anger and PAIN
just whent it was ll starting to hurt a little less. just when i had even forgiven her for the pain she caused to me. They said they were my friends. I know they knew how much this would hurt me because I told them both many times. I have been BETRAYED. I don't enven have words for what i am feeling right now. ok maybe i do. hurt. PAIN. anger. HATE. on fire. freazing. RAGE. BROKEN. stabbed. gutted. betrayed. more than any other i feel hurt.
I NOW HATE 2 PEOPLE Ryan Gay, and Andrew Prevaty. Andrew spent more than 6 mouths herassing me. he left tacks in frount of my door to step on, he propped trash cans full of water in frount of my door so my feet would get wet. he made harassing phone calls and in genreal went out of his way to make my life hell for as long as he could. I haven't seen him in years. I think i pitty him as much as i hate hime now. he is a sad mean little man. you know i think all i really have left for him is pitty. I question if i ever really hated him for i never felt the cold burning fire of hate that i feal now. I never wanted to do thing things to him i want to do to Ryan. (disclamer i am not planing on hurting Ryan in any way shape or form). More than I have ever wanted BAD THINGS to happen to some one I want them to happen to Ryan. the pain and hurt i would cause him if this were not a world ruled by law are many and veried. I helped him, when no other person was there. I have fed him i have spent hours talking to him when he was sad because a girl broke his heart. HOW AM I REPAID, HOW? With lies with betrayal with pain. There is no reason there is nothing at all that can ever make this ok. He said I was his boy, that he wasn't even really interested. that he didn't want her that he would never do this to me. And after he had done it, he lied to my face. right to my face. ALL I WANT TO DO RIGHT NOW IS HIT HIM IN THE FACE OVER OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I want to distroy his face i want to make it so no woman ever makes the mistake of wanting him again. (disclamer, again not going to do any thing just thinking it and wanting it.)I would and could write for ages about that scums flaws and fualts but i will restrain my self. spite and vennom like that insult the reader as much as the intended target. so i will leave it at this, I hate him most truely and rightly, and he is less than scum in my eyes.
My friends love me and care deeply that i don't hurt my self or any other person. They have reminded me that i am a good person and that is why i can't understand this. I would never do this to any of my friends of ex's. That is not to say that Sarah is a bad person as much to say that she acted very badly and carelessly. I make no illusions about Ryan.
Current Music: Stuck-Stacie Orrico
|
|
11:18 pm
[Link] |
me too boys
 | You scored as C.G. Jung. You are more of a spiritualist than would be immediately apparent. Some of your notions are questioned by the cynical, but deep down you know the human consciousness is more than the flesh and tissue can account for. You tend to take a scientific observationist look on matters the average person wouldn't even begin to analyze. You personally are responsible for most of the ideas that are floating around in modern psychologist's/psychic's paltry little skulls. On the down side, you tend to be associated with that asshole Freud.
C.G. Jung | | 92% | Dante Alighieri | | 83% | Miyamoto Musashi | | 83% | Stephen Hawking | | 67% | Friedrich Nietzsche | | 67% | Charles Manson | | 58% | Jesus Christ | | 50% | Mother Teresa | | 50% | Sigmund Freud | | 50% | Elvis Presley | | 42% | Steven Morrissey | | 42% | O.J. Simpson | | 33% | Adolf Hitler | | 33% | Hugh Hefner | | 17% | </td>
What Pseudo Historical Figure Best Suits You?
created with QuizFarm.com |
|
11:07 pm
[Link] |
me?
Does any one have any photos of just me. they don't even have to be good. e-mail me them if you have them in that kinda computer formate.
Dn846@bard.edu
thanks
|
|
11:01 pm
[Link] |
If you don't want the truth don't ask me how i am.
Current Mood: Broken hearted and hurt
|
|
01:01 pm
[Link] |
Must keep moving
|
|
02:27 pm
[Link] |
ok this is the last of these for today
| Your Hair Should Be Orange | 
Expressive, deep, and one of a kind.
You pull off "weird" well - hardly anyone notices. |
|
02:22 pm
[Link] |
hehe
|
02:15 pm
[Link] |
who whoulda thunk it
Smart Paladin
77% Combativeness, 23% Sneakiness, 76% Intellect, 72% Spirituality | Valorous! Noble! Or possibly just a self-righteous jerk (but with the brains to keep you alive!)... You are a Smart Paladin!
Paladins are holy warriors. They are valorous defenders of the light.
Unfortunately, most of them are so ardent in their defense they tend to
meet sticky ends faster than you can say "rampaging red dragon." Many
people look up to Paladins, while others just consider them stuck up,
overbearing, or self-righteous.
Fortunately for you, unlike most Paladins, you're pretty smart.
Which means that you're more likely to fall into the "admired"
category, rather than the "obnoxious" or "dead" categories.
Much like the crusades, you manage to combine violence and
religion, though unlike the crusades, you add a healthy does of
intelligence. You may be a staunch defender of the faith, a valorous
champion of the weak, or the stuff that jihads are made of. Which ever
one you are, just be happy that you�ve got the smarts to back it up and
make it work. |  |
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: | You scored higher than 88% on Combativeness | | You scored higher than 17% on Sneakiness | | You scored higher than 74% on Intellect | | You scored higher than 96% on Spirituality |
|
|
|
05:07 pm
[Link] |  Beloved by all, puppies are energetic, playful, and loving. Your playful and friendly nature is part of what makes you a puppy. Known for their loyalty, puppies make great pets for young and old alike. And an innocent puppy face can melt anyone's heart! You were almost a: Bear Cub or a MonkeyYou are least like a: Chipmunk or a GroundhogWhat Cute Animal Are You? |
|
11:22 am
[Link] |
well it look like i am not as crazy as i thought
|
|
12:10 pm
[Link] | 
I'm
a Gryffindor!
|
|
04:09 pm
[Link] |
well that was a little unexpected
|
|
01:39 am
[Link] |
Long time no see
It has been along time And I have my reasons for staying away this long. Mainly I fell in love. Fell might not be the best word. Dragged into love is more like it. Don't get me wronge, I wasn't forced or anything. I was just that i did think I wanted love again. Well I knew i didn't want love like the one i had just had. The real Truth of the matter was that i was really really truely and deeply afraid. I was Afraid I would hurt her the way i seem to hurt every one. I was afraid that she would hurt me. And as always I was afriad to open up. I was afraid of how good she made me feel I was afriad that she would see how bad at life i am.
Well to make a longe story Short I faced my fear I let it pass over me and when it was gone (as if it ever compleatly went away) I was all that remained. I am a man of pation and lust. I have a lust for life and I am at my happiest when I let that lust lead me. So I have spent much of the last close to 9 mounths poring much of my time and love in to a very wonderful woman. She makes me happy in ways I didn't ever hope I could be. I have always thought that we love each person in a different way. The way that I love Her is very different than any other love i have had. I am not going to discredit any of my past loves by saying that they weren't love and that this si or that this love is a better or pure love. It is a love that i Like very much. So yeah that and school is what i have been doing for the last 9 monthes. there has been a lot more but i will talk about that latter. one thing at a time.
more to come. I had almost forgotten how much writing helps me think and feal more clearly.
Dar that big hairy red man siffting through his mind to find his soul.
Current Mood:  Frustrated and hurt
Current Music: The Decemberists - 16 by32
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
dartheredone's journal